I always analyse myself.
… but also many from the stage of my life …. and to be honest … my best moments were the ones when i was overwhelmed by the emotions … not by my thoughts.
Even … if i still laugh … realising that all was illusory.
The books i’ve wrote … the first 20 … were a lot influenced by those strong emotions.
I loved … be dominated by … my heart.
But … all became an emotional balance.
And … little by little … day by day … i was losing my minds … more and more.
I was losing the control on myself.
I felt … all so intense … but my brain was not functioning anymore.
Or … maybe … i felt so, so alive that I’ve considered it is useless to think anymore.
I wanted to feel.
… feel life.
And … actually feel … i am alive.
But today …. I look back in time and i consider all a charade.
Yes … a stupid charade.
In fact … stupid charades … cause all was so, so illusory.
Somehow … i feel i was stupid … allowing to be dominated by my emotions.
But … you know what?!
I don’t regret it.
No …
I felt … alive.
… very.
I was waking up … overwhelmed by a large spectrum of illusory emotions.
I was feeling … the life itself.
… not understanding a thing.
But … felt present.
And all happened repetitively.
Day … by day.
Then days became weeks … weeks became months … and …
I was not aware of the illusion.
… having lots of moments when i’ve been enjoying it.
So … my heart dominated my life.
I’ve allowed it to happen … ignoring all my thoughts … and perceptions.
But … still knowing all was stupid …. I don’t regret it.
I felt alive … and i even miss it.
Most certainly … as Stanley Kubrick said … “The truth of a thing is in the feel of it, not in the think of it.”
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spiritual & philosophical essay” written by the writer Adrian Gabriel Dumitru for FREE.
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