n this game of blindsides and backstabs, there can only be one winner – so who will it be this time? Breakfast host and former Celebrity Treasure Island winner Matty McLean breaks down the new season’s premiere episode.
What’s that thing they say about life? Ah, yes – that only death and taxes are certainties. Well, that and the inevitability that we’ll all be sucked into another season of Celebrity Treasure Island quicker than host Bree Tomasel can say “get in here you lot!”
And if the dramatic promo or the whispers from insiders are anything to go by, we’re in for a wild ride for the fifth modern instalment of the hit TVNZ 2 show.
But this time, there’s an immediately noticeable difference – the ‘island’ in the show’s title is Te Waipounamu, the South Island.
Rugged mountain ranges, a picturesque landscape like something out of a Grahame Sydney painting, and the stunning Lake Wānaka – it honestly looks like a green screen as the contestants land in choppers to begin the journey.
But for some, they might need to realise this isn’t a green screen or a movie set – actor Miriama Smith keeps waiting for a director to yell “action!”
This is reality television, Miriama – the cameras are just, well, there.
“What an epic way to be introduced to Celebrity Treasure Island,” Miriama finally exclaims, in a show of rehearsed enthusiasm, after a perplexed off-camera producer snaps her out of her daydream.
Others are, well, bringing the real to reality TV.
“I’m not prepared in the physical sense, but I’m very prepared in the attire sense. I’ve brought eight hats,” comedian Courtney Dawson tells us – and, truly, her hats are worth the airtime. They’re extraordinary.
For fellow comedian James Mustapic: “This is the best day of my life and also probably the worst.”
“I’m definitely not outdoorsy, so I’m frightened. Nature’s disgusting.”
In one of the most incredible casting decisions New Zealand has ever seen, activist and artist Tāme Iti is perhaps the coolest contestant the show’s produced, but is also arguably the oldest at 71 years of age. So what can we expect from him?
“I’m a pussycat,” he admits.
Why?
“Nine lives,” he laughs.
To kick things off, the teams have landed in two different areas, not yet ready to meet their competitors. First, they’ll have to battle each other in an endurance challenge to determine who’ll lead each team as captain.
This season, according to host Jayden Daniels, the captain will have “more power than ever”.
“I really want to be captain, so I can send other bitches up for elimination” James Mustapic asserts.
I mean, it’s as good a reason as any.
The competitors will have to balance on a wall using wooden pegs as foot and hand holds, with a roll of a numbered dice at various intervals determining which pegs must come out.
Everyone’s ready for the first challenge. In fact, True Bliss singer Megan Alatini is quick to tell us she once eat a deer’s penis, so she’ll give anything a go.
With fewer and fewer pegs on the wall to hold onto, we slowly but surely lose a number of competitors until only two remain from each team.
For Team Green – that’s Kārearea, the New Zealand falcon – it’s between Lotto presenter Jordan Vandermade and Miriama Smith.
Over on Team Purple’s wall – Tohorā, the Southern Right Whale – it’s come down to a battle between media personality Matilda Green and presenter Matt Gibb.
This much I know about Jordan – he is competitive as all get-out. I Googled him and the dude won a lot of championships when he was a teenager.
“What do you think about captain?” he asks Miriama up on the wall.
“It’s up to you. I’m happy to lead us, but it’s up to you,” he says with all the truthfulness of a partner who says they’re totally easy with whatever takeaways you pick, when they absolutely only want Thai.
“I’m happy to lead us too,” retorts Smith.
Oh, she ain’t going down without a fight.
Over on the purple wall, Matt Gibb reckons he has it in the bag. Matilda has just lost another peg and is now perched on a single wooden fix, arms flat against the wall like a gecko with nothing to hold onto for support.
“It’s over. It’s like five seconds and I’ve got this,” Matt confidently tells us.
But lest we forget, this is Art Green’s wife we’re talking about. You think she’s worried about only having a single peg to balance on? Not bloody likely.
Before we can say “Squirt Ya”, Matt’s lost his footing and Matilda’s been named the captain of team Tohorā. It was truly a phenomenal feat, and she more than deserved the win.
Back at Kārearea, the final two are still battling it out – but before long Miriama slips, and the win goes to Jordan.
“So shall we find out where the toilet is?” former Shortland Street actor Blair Strang queries.
Rumour has it Rangi Heremaia’s ghost still wanders the shores of Lake Wānaka searching for a long drop.
Over at Tohorā, former Warrior Steve Price has found a notebook with a tale to tell.
So in the raspiest voice any of us have ever heard, we’re regaled with the legend at the centre of this season.
Legend has it there were once three sisters who, down on their luck, set out to execute the biggest bank robbery in New Zealand’s history. Their fortune was never found.
“I kinda got it. Was I supposed to?” Blair asks.
Yeah, you kind of were, Blair.
Miriama immediately begins speculating – perhaps it doesn’t relate to people at all. Could the three sisters be the three nearby lakes? Perhaps the mountains? It’s all very deep.
Steve is more literal.
“So being Treasure Island, obviously there’s a treasure. And I’m assuming this is the treasure. So we’re out here to find this treasure,” bravo, Pricey, bravo.
The teams then take the time to get to know each other.
In what is perhaps the show’s most unlikely of pairings, James Mustapic and Tāme Iti go foraging for food.
Over at Kārearea, there’s the most earnest team talk we’ve ever heard happening.
Like a scene out of Friday Night Lights, Captain Vandermade is rallying the troops.
“He’s very serious,” smirks comedian Eli Matthewson.
“He’s constantly game time, he’s constantly team talks.”
Look, as someone who has been known for taking this game slightly too seriously in the past, I can relate.
Meanwhile, still having yet to come face to face, actor Turia Schmidt-Peke, already highlighted as one to watch this season, is speculating about who could be on the other team. Jacinda Arden? Taika Waititi, perhaps? Bless you for thinking they would ever sign up for a reality TV show.
And then finally it’s time for the teams to come face-to-face in a classic row-out-to-grab-keys-then-swim-back-to-build-a-puzzle-then-knock-it-back-down challenge. You know, your Celebrity Treasure Island bread and butter.
But before the challenge begins, captains Matilda and Jordan must select which members of their team will take part in which section.
Jordan knows exactly who needs to do what. But Matilda?
“We’ll have….”
She pauses. And pauses. And pauses.
Oh god, surely not. No. She can’t have.
“I can’t remember your name,” she admits, looking directly at Shortland Street actor Grant Lobban.
You don’t know Damo from IT?! He’s as surprised as any of us.
“You’re the captain of our team and you don’t know my name?!”
But no time to cringe – it’s challenge time.
The row out in the boats is fairly even, although there’s some slight argy-bargy on the turn.
But it’s when the two teams arrive at the platform to collect the overhanging keys that things get strange.
Matt Gibb and Grant Lobban from Tohorā jump up, grab the keys, and immediately start swimming back – you know, the way that was intended.
But team captain Jordan and musical theatre superstar Nick Afoa have thought outside the box – too outside the box.
“Nick put Jordan on his shoulders for reasons I believe scientists are still looking into.”
Back on land, Laura Daniel and Tāme from Tohorā take on Jazz Thornton and Eli from Kārearea to build the puzzle.
Jazz and Eli build theirs first, against the wind, and before long their team mates have knocked it back down.
To the victor goes the spoils – the season’s first team bragging rights, a fresh fruit and vegetable kit, as well as a game changing advantage to be handed out at tonight’s Captain’s Coup.
A coup? What on earth does that mean?
“It’s a revolution” says one player.
“It’s a takeover,” explains another.
But there’s only one voice that really matters here.
“I know what a coup is,” muses Tāme Iti. “I’ve been there.”
So off to the coup they go, and it turns out the advantage is huge.
Jordan, as the winning team’s captain, gets to decide who will go head to head against current captain Matilda. If Matilda wins, she retains her captaincy. But lose, and there’s a new sheriff in town.
Oh, and another thing – if the competitor Jordan picks does beat Matilda, Jordan will receive an advantage. Otherwise, the advantage goes to Matilda. With me?
Matt Gibb is selected by Jordan – the two worked together on former kid’s show Studio 2. Possible alliance, anyone?
The two are to take on the classic Kumara in the Box challenge – one person has to bluff whether they have a kumara in their box or not. Whoever ends up with the root vegetable in their respective box at the end, wins.
Matilda is off on a tangent. She has the kumara – it’s red, it’s medium-sized, and it has furry knobs.
“It’s too much detail. Furry knobs? When have you ever described a kumara with furry knobs?!” exclaims Courtney.
Matt chooses to switch – “I watched Matilda on her season of The Bachelor…and I think what Art saw in her was her honesty.”
Turns out, a lot can happen in the eight-odd years since competing for a rose on a dating show and Matilda can, in fact, lie very well.
The advantage is hers, and the game is well and truly on.
“I’m sure it’s going to be spicy,” laughs Courtney.
That I’m sure it is.
Celebrity Treasure Island airs Monday-Wednesday 7.30pm on TVNZ 2 and TVNZ+.
Interviews by Matty McLean with this season’s eliminated contestants will be posted OnDemand after each elimination show.
